


Pushing Through The Fog

by mittamoo



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Depression, Dish washing, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-16
Updated: 2017-07-16
Packaged: 2018-12-02 18:25:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11514945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mittamoo/pseuds/mittamoo
Summary: Sometimes a fog covers his mind, obscuring everything until he can't think anymore. Weighs him down until he can't move limbs heavy as lead and each breath becomes a battle. Usually Aaron can pull through it alone but it's always better when he has help.





	Pushing Through The Fog

**Author's Note:**

> also known as the fic where I hardcore project onto Aaron

Aaron is tired. He’s so tired. He has things that he needs to do today and he can’t do any of those things until he gets out of bed. He’s just so tired. Even the thought of turning over feels like a marathon so actually standing up seems like an impossibility. He hasn’t showered in over a week, hasn’t gotten out of bed for three days. He imagines he looks just as disgusting as he feels. He’s too tired to care. His room is a fucking disaster zone, has been for ages, which probably should have been the first sign that he was struggling. In the mess, there’s something rotting, some half-eaten meal he’d never brought back downstairs, the smell is revolting. It’s almost enough to make him gag but it’s not enough to make him care. There are so many things that Aaron needs to sort out or clean up. But he’s tired, exhausted down to his bones so instead of getting up, he closes his eyes and sleeps.

The next time he wakes, is to the sound of Paddy’s voice and he pushes his way into Aaron’s room. He’s been here before, the periods of time when his depression is so bad that he can barely think let alone move but usually the fog that descends over his mind lifts just enough so he’s able to force himself out of bed before he draws a concerned loved one to visit. Though this time it seems that the concerned loved one had arrived before the worst of it is over. This is something he’d never wanted people to see, the bad side of depression, the side that people can’t turn into romantic stories about love conquering all, the _disgusting_ side of depression. He isn’t sure how to feel about Paddy’s presence, ashamed because he doesn’t want to be seen like this, or relieved because Paddy loves him, because Paddy helps.

He sees Paddy’s face contort as the smell hits him full force, though to his credit, he says nothing about it. Instead, he strides over the mess cluttering his floor and over to the side of the bed. When get gets there he grabs Aaron by the arm and hauls him up into a sitting position, now that he is able he’s taken the chance to look Aaron over. The way his mouth turns down and he the way he wrings his hands, tells him that he’s upset Paddy. Paddy pulling him upright had been the push he had needed for him to be able to swing his legs over the edge of the bed. He doesn’t stand up, not yet. He just sits on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands. After a few moments Paddy sits down beside him and rests a hand on his back, encouraging but not forceful. He’s grateful that Paddy is giving him a while to gather the will to stand rather than pushing, pushing, pushing until he has nothing left. It takes him almost five minutes before he’s ready to stand. When he does force himself to his feet his vision blacks out for a moment and he has to grab onto Paddy for support.

“Sorry” He tells Paddy once his vision clears again, his voice is hoarse and strained, and he doesn’t know if it’s from lack of use over the past week or because of the sheer amount of effort it had taken to get the word out.

“Its fine” though Paddy seems unwilling to let go of his arm. Aaron should probably be ashamed that he as a grown man isn’t trusted to be able to stand himself but he’s focusing all of his energy in focused on keeping himself from sitting back down onto the bed so there’s no room for anything else in his head.

Slowly they make their way downstairs and into the kitchen. The first thing he does is sit himself down at the kitchen table because just the act of getting downstairs felt like this monumental task. Opposite him, Paddy takes a seat. He keeps opening and closing his mouth, like there’s something he wants to say but is having trouble forming the words to do so. Normally Aaron would prompt him to say what he’s thinking but today he just lets his head fall down to rest in his hands once more and waits until Paddy figures it out on his own.

“I wish that you’d tell someone when things start getting bad” Is what Paddy eventually settles on.

“I hadn’t noticed things were getting bad, I went to bed early because I was tired and then I woke up and I just- just couldn’t do it” he doesn’t find this kind of thing easy to talk about, but he needs to work on getting better on expressing how he’s doing emotionally.

“Well today we’re going to sort the house out, you’ll feel better for it”

Now he looks at the kitchen, he wishes they hadn’t come down because all it has done is reminded him on how much stuff he has to do about the house outside of his bedroom. The pots are piled up on the side so that’s just another thing added to the pile that he has to deal with. Usually it would just be a case of doing the pots but now it feels like many challenging tasks rather than one mundane one. First he’s actually got to force himself to his feet, then It’s sorting out what can go into the dishwasher and what can’t, it’s loading the dishwasher and turning that on. Then he has to fill the sink and wash the pots still on the side. Then he has to dry them and put them all away in the right places. But it’s not just that because he still has his bedroom to clean and the washing to do, he could also needs to go and shower and the living room could also do with a clean as well. There’s so much that he needs to do. It’s overwhelming and just thinking about it is too much- it’s overwhelming the amount he has still got to do. He feels like crying

“Just start small” Paddy says, seeming to have caught onto his distress “Think of one task at a time”

That’s something that he can do. Aaron starts small. He goes back upstairs and starts with the food in his room. It doesn’t take long for him to find the plate of rotting food. The smell is even worse up close, so he holds it as far away from himself as he can as he makes his way back down to the stairs. Once he’s scraped the food into the bin he has to lean over and dry heave into the kitchen sink. He hates that Paddy is here to witness how disgusting he is.

Once he’s finished retching, he moves to the side and leans against the counter for a moment. Paddy steps beside him and pulls the dishwasher open, thankfully, it’s empty so that’s one less thing he has to do. They move around each other so that Aaron can put what he can into the dishwasher while Paddy fills the sink with water. It takes him far longer than it usually would so by time he’s loaded and switched the dishwasher on Paddy has made a sizable dent in the things that couldn’t be put in the dishwasher. At this moment he’s never been more relivied to have someone’s presence at his side because when Paddy is here, when Paddy is helping the task becomes far less daunting.

Paddy takes a seat at the kitchen table while he waits for Aaron to finish drying everything, he finds the repetitiveness of the task soothing because it doesn’t take as much active thought that everything else he has done so far today. Eventually though he’s dried everything up and he has to move onto putting it all away. Putting everything away seems much more complex than drying and his hands freeze above the plates. He doesn’t know why they’re shaking. He doesn’t know why this is so _hard._ It’s pathetic that the thought of putting some plates away feels so utterly overwhelming, but that’s Aaron all over, isn’t it?

He needs to power through it, because it needs to get done, but it just feels like too much and he can’t. Instead of actually doing something useful, he starts to cry. His sobs, are these small, pathetic gasping sounds because apparently he doesn’t even have the energy to cry properly. There are arms pulling him back from the counter, turning him as they wrap themselves around his back. He suspects that Paddy has been waiting for this. He should be embarrassed because he shouldn’t be crying over something that most people manage to do regularly, over something that usually he manages to do regularly. They stand there for god knows how long as Aaron cries himself dry, Paddy’s hand rubs up and down his back all the while.

Eventually, the tears stop and he pulls away from the embrace. He can’t imagine the state he looks. Clapping him firmly on the shoulder, Paddy passes him a plate before picking one up himself. Together they put the plates and pans away together. Paddy putting an item away for each item Aaron puts away. It takes them a while, Aaron working in starts and stops but none the less they manage to finish together. He knows that there’s still much more to do around the house but instead of Paddy carefully ushering him onto the next task, he leads Aaron into the living room. They spend the rest of the day sat there, watching films and whatever rubbish they find on the telly. At one point Paddy heads out because he’s decided it would be better for him to stay a few days and needs a bag. It’s good because it means that Aaron is doing something more than lying in bed but also giving him time to gather his strength and recuperate.

That night when he goes up to bed, the relief and gratitude washes over him again. At some point during the day, the sheets had been changed on his bed and the stench of rot and decay no longer hung heavy in his room. He knows that there is still plenty left for him to do. He still hasn’t showered or brushed his teeth but there is now less on the pile of what he has to do thanks to Paddy. He’s not completely sorted himself out yet, the depression had hit him hard this time. But he’s made a start and he feels better for it.  

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed, feedback is always welcome.


End file.
